Well. As we all should know by now, I have no phone. C in Euro and all that. Mom said it was a wake up call, not a punishment......I have awakened to better grades. But also to how my arms bleeds again. I was clean for about 4 months, give or take. She........helped. I didnt have too anymore. But now, shes gone. No emails, no calls on the home phone. Nada. And my arm hurts worse than ever. And you know I cant/wont tell her. What are you to do? Maybe accidentally cause a January..............*chuckles slightly* actually its almost the anniversary. Maybe Ill celebrate..

*sighs* I feel sick, and that makes me want to say something. I might as well let it out, yeah, I like her. Love her, even. With all my heart, I really do. But....there's a distance between us. There always will be. And it's wide, which is to say that water is a little wet. We're on opposite sides of the country, and it tears me apart to be so far away from her. We say that we'll see each other again, but when? Years from now? Tomorrow? Doubt it...*rubs eyes* I'm tired. Of all of this. Of my life. It's not bad. It's no ones fault. Just a universal weariness that permeates my day at times. 

well, what an interesting day...dont really know what to think. am i happy? *shrugs* dunno. hope i am though. my arm looks odd though...its all healed. it.......it bothers me. my soul or whatnot is torn, cut. it bleeds. it wont heal. why does my arm? its flesh. arent souls supposed to be made of stronger stuff? after all, flesh doesnt go to heaven.....having those cuts has a calming effect, i think.....like looking in a mirror. and seeing your self without straight hair, white teeth, everything i do to alter myself. the cuts....theyre just me. its what i am. damn me.

Breaking Point

It has been
decided
no
rather
the inevitable has been reached
no matter how we suppress it
we must come to an end
our crimes
our hate
our
sin
we were not created to be perfect
that alone should be obvious
for all our good
our accomplishments
everything we have created
for the sake of
progress
you might say
it must go
all of it
humans
created in Gods image
and yet
some are
empty shells
capable only of the base emotion
a well of hatred and envy
do we need
yes
for now
have no fear
our day will come

- exert from The Diaries
  dated 2/16/06

TrvEXCU0591ZrM
Trv=Trivaran
EXCU=Executive
0591
ZrM=WCE+TRV

*grins* who woulda guessed?

Debt to Society

After all that happened
event outside of their control
or were they
we will assume they were
would you have allowed that
of course not
but they did
and as a result
a permanent and unnecessary debt
payable in advance
but with no set cost
so keep paying
forever
yes
as if they could stop
as if society wanted it
a virtual parasitic effect
if you will
and how will it end
in the misery of society
as the debt
exhausted
will crumble
and society
the mindless and ignorant beast it it
will die
addicted
to what it thinks it needs
but doesnt

Haggard

To live
to die
to be cast among the shadows
to fall so
as if
it could improve
not predestined
rathe
choses
orchestrated since the day of birth
condemned
you might say
and yet
isn't it a choice
and as a result
hardened beyond human capacity
even so
it will break
the mind
the body
the soul
they are not meant to withstand such
suffering
to define it
to see
you would know pain
a guardian angel
shielding against temporary hardships
only to kill
always
and
forever

Hi. It's me, Will. For once, this is not a contemplative rant against society, life, or something else. This is just me, talking, because listening is a trait that many have but don't have time for. So I talk to my self, even though I don't know what I'm going to say to myself.

If life was a job, I think I'd resign.  People say that the money doesn't really matter as long as you have job satisfaction, right? Well, in my view I think of that as it doesn't matter what your life situation is as long as your happy with what's in it, such as friends, family, relationships, etc. Let's see: 1. Friends: I've had better ones and I've had worse ones. The ones that matter to me have for a while, I doubt that will change. But some of them....I reserve judgment in the hopes things get better.


        2. Family: I've got one, a loving one, but mom and dad ARE divorced, and from that spawn a host a problems, namely, the possibility I might not go to college on the grounds that the college savings are used to pay bills so dad can live, and mom won't pay anything toward college..?

        3. Relationships: I was in one until recently. I hope I'm over it, because that will mean one less reason for sorrow in my life, and heaven knows I have too much to start with, what with what I do and what's happened to me. I like someone right now, but I don't know how she feels about me; we just became friends, really. I hope...........relationships are important to me. Feeling loved is what saves me from the world. Without that, I'm nothing. Friends can only do so much.

        *sighs* my life is under a constant barrage of instructions on how to live it. To quote Garret Carty on the subject, "Will's just as smart as John Burnum and could be in all AP classes, but he doesn't give a f***. As bad as it sounds, he's right. I only do what I want. If school work doesn't fit into that, I won't do it. Big problem, I know. I'm trying to fix it.

To be completely honest, I don't know why I'm still alive, by all rights I should be dead after 1/13/08.... I guess God has a purpose for me, but I have no idea what it is. But I'm here to stay. As long as I have a reason to be here, I will be.

You can't help but wonder. Life is such a precious commodity, yet in itself is an item to be discarded, disfigured, degraded. I look at what I see, and I see more than anyone. It's who I am, my curse. In a way, I know...so many things. A fencepost, with words spoken over. It's quite surprising what you learn just by not talking. Delude yourself all you like, nothing is perfect, no one is blameless. The victors write the history books, it's said. This applies to your life as well. What's good for you? It's that attitude that causes you to succeed. But will you be happy with your so called "success". The material, the earthly? If you have achieved happiness for one second, you have succeeded far beyond what anyone expected. To state that life isn't fair is to say that water is wet; it's an obvious truth that everyone knows, even if they don't accept it. Even if you don't, make the best of it.

Alone
as if
with all that surround
one is never
truly
alone
and yet
to glance
most believe that they in fact are
so let them
you are what you make of yourself
so
be it    

(this is a response to how I feel; it is in no way directed at anyone. Any similarities to feelings, emotions, thoughts, or otherwise is strictly coincidental and is unintended.)

hey. its me. This seems like as good a time as ever to continue The Diaries, even though this will have to be a public entry, seeing as how the computer keyboard is limited to english.

The Source

A root
The focal point of survival
something everyone is capable of
All feel it
how could they not
It controls our lives
All lives
Yes
and is mistaken for an emotion
It is not
Instinctive
ensnaring
controlling
The will to live
........it is the strongest pulse
And how could one continue
It motivates action
empowers even the weakest
The wings of eagles are given to the slow
Flight for another day
rather than to face death
Who would
No one
Exactly
But do not let it govern
rather
make it your companion
always with you
Just not a companion you care to see


*shrugs* thats all for now. hope you enjoy and id like some feedback, if you like. :) thanks

*laughs* well, it seems that no one has posted in a while. Maybe you all won't read this then. *shrugs* oh well. My life is going all right. I miss all of you guys, but that's to be expected. *yawns* This shall be a sum up of my summer so far. ......... a bit dull, really. I wrote a pretty cool bass cover for my band tonight. I don't know how all of you guys are doing, but I hope you're alright. TrvEXCU0591ZrM ILov93RtGUZ.





-resumed 12:15 am. Well, a quick question before I go. What do you do if life hands you lemonade?

ba-no-ma-no
duh duh dah deh do
ba-no-ma-no
duh duh da duh


*laughs* I'm an idiot in the morning, that song won't get out of my head.

The title is one of Ted's favorite lines for when I screw up. To me, it seems like I have to do things for him, or do things right to be loved. *blinks* seems that way with a lot of my friends too. Thank God it's not that way with Rhea, who I can't thank enough for being here for me, but with most of my friends...............*rubs eyes* I don't know what to do

she gave him an evasive mouth full of nothing

 

have we utterly lost the ability to talk or is it just me

 

insert golden silence here 

 

Do you remember? I doubt you do. It was so long ago. You wouldn't guess. You said these words. If you don't recall, it's not worth the struggle to try to reminisce. Goodnight world.

Well, I'll be damned. You were right, Sabanem. *grins*

Material


What do you look at?
Do you see past the eyes,-
do you see what is hidden?
No,-
You see what is shown
A testimony
From the world
By the world
I didn't create this.
But it matters.
The paper says so.
And,-
With the world on your side
Who can prove you wrong?

My own is for me,-
almost a burden.
The ones that see are
only a few.
The world need not know,-
It's not on the paper.
If it's not on the paper,-
It doesn't exist.

The paper won't burn,-
It won't be forgotten.
An endless memorial to,-
Who? Me? The paper,-
It's not for me,-
But for the world.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HUpggXGHYjk

this is new from Jason Steele. Enjoy!

Bleah. WHY ARE THERE SO MANY CHOICES?! I mean, its nice to have options, but sometimes its hard to pick. It's like some giant with like a bazillion arms says "pick a hand, or I'll eat your face off" kinda thing. Rats. Now I'm all confused. Oh well. Laters.